


Angel Vs. Devil

by fandomandmore



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25077712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomandmore/pseuds/fandomandmore
Summary: Ben loved Callum. He knew it from the way his heart swooped every time they caught each other’s eye, or from the butterflies he felt when Callum smiled softly at him, or the way his skin tingled from the gentlest of his touches.However, with each surge of love came a heavy dose of guilt, fear and lack of self-worth, all of which were connected to Phil Mitchell. His Dad.Right now, it seemed like his whole existence was centred around the two main men in his life. Two men on opposing ends of the same axis. Callum versus Phil. His partner versus his Dad. The Angel versus The Devil.Which one was going to win the battle?
Relationships: Ben Mitchell & Phil Mitchell, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Jay Brown & Ben Mitchell
Comments: 23
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The whole fic is canon compliant up until the final episode. It deviates from canon in chapter 2, after Ben's collapse.  
> (We're going to pretend that Lola never slept with Peter though...)

_Ben loved Callum. He knew it from the way his heart swooped every time they caught each other’s eye, or from the butterflies he felt when Callum smiled softly at him, or the way his skin tingled from the gentlest of his touches._

_However, with each surge of love came a heavy dose of guilt, fear and lack of self-worth, all of which were connected to Phil Mitchell. His Dad._

_Right now, it seemed like his whole existence was centred around the two main men in his life. Two men on opposing ends of the same axis. Callum versus Phil. His partner versus his Dad. The Angel versus The Devil. Both sat on a shoulder, whispering in his ear, trying to convince him which way to turn. Needing a moment of peace from the cacophony of noise in his head. The silence of the outside world meaning there was nothing to block out the constant stream of voices in his thoughts._

_Whilst the world around him carried on, as if he was living in a silent movie without the subtitles, there was a war raging inside him. Loud. Excruciating. Never-ending._

_He knew which side he wanted to follow and hold onto. He just wasn’t convinced he had the strength, nor did he fully understand what Callum saw in him anyway._

_Callum, who always told him that everyone was a little bit broken, like this was something to be proud of. Something that was okay._

_However, Ben was certain that he was broken beyond repair. The tiny splinters and cracks that had first appeared in childhood had simply grown bigger and bigger with every wrong thing he did in life and now he’d shattered. He knew it wouldn’t be long before Callum came to the conclusion that his attempts to stick Ben back together were futile. It had already almost happened once. He only had himself to blame._

I don’t want to do this anymore.

_Which is why Ben was finding it so difficult to turn towards the Angel's light; why give everything to the person he didn’t deserve when they wouldn’t be around forever. Why risk giving his heart away, only for it to be returned, more damaged than before. At least the Devil was open with his distaste; a constant darkness in his life, a never-ending, foreboding presence, and that would never change._

_But Callum’s voice made his heart sing, and maybe, just maybe, he needed to tell the Angel the truth and trust that he'd be forgiven. Maybe the Angel would be strong enough to pull him back from the brink. Maybe the Angel was strong enough to withstand Ben’s fire and remain with him, steadfast and unwavering. The Angel loved him; the Angel made him feel safe. The Devil could be left with nothing; the Devil deserved nothing._

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ben wasn’t well. His ear was becoming a never-ending source of discomfort, and just standing upright made him feel like he’d run a marathon. The look of concern on Callum’s face had become a permanent feature, and he was trying his best to ignore it, knowing that he’d brought it all on himself. Callum’s hand reached out, pushing his hair back off his forehead,

_“You’re burning up, Ben. I’m going… Stronger…”_

_“Hmm?”_ Ben's brow furrowed in confusion, as he tried and failed to decipher the latter half of Callum's sentence.

_“Chemist, Ben. Stronger tablets.”_

Ben nodded, closing his eyes tightly against a fresh wave of pain, choosing to sign his response, not quite trusting his voice,

_Thank you. Love you._

Callum nodded, leaning down and kissing him on the forehead, hands forming signs,

_I love you. Bye._

He blew a kiss as he left the flat.

Ben made his way to the table, sitting down, head in hands, trying to block out the hurt, anxiety and shame, banging a hand against the table and letting out a dry sob when he didn’t hear the sound.

He felt restless, unable to concentrate due to the constant throbbing in his ear, but with no real idea of what he wanted or needed, hoping that whatever drugs Callum returned with would be strong enough to ease it, if even for a short amount of time. He coughed, chest aching and feeling clammy, beginning to worry that things were getting worse, wondering if burst eardrums could get infected.

The buzz of his phone in his pocket stopped his spiralling thoughts, heart sinking when he saw _Phil_ appear on the screen; a man no longer worthy of the name _Dad,_ attempting to ring him once again, refusing to accept a phone call was impossible.

He dismissed the call with a scoff, text appearing onscreen almost instantaneously.

**Phil: I’m outside. Let me in.**

He sighed, knowing he didn’t have the energy or the patience to attempt to work out what his Dad was saying, yet moving to buzz him in, regardless. He knew, deep down, this needed to stop; he was tired of fighting to earn his Dad’s approval.

The minute his Dad entered the flat, the ranting began and the fire in Ben’s head ignited even more. He didn’t really understand a word of what was being said. He could have a good guess that it was in relation to the warehouse job and the money and The Vic, but the odd word he managed to catch didn’t shed any light on what the actual issue was this time, as he watched his Dad pace up and down in front of him.

_“Mick… back… cow… kid… expect… slag… let…”_

He looked down, ending his attempt to decipher the words, knowing it was a lost cause. He was in agony, he was tired, but his Dad had some invisible hold on him. A hold that had resulted in him making some of the biggest mistakes of his life. He’d tried, so many times, to escape and, in the deepest, darkest, depths of his thoughts, he often found himself regretting not finishing the job at the hospital, all those months before. Ben sensed him stop moving, standing still in front of him. He dragged his eyes back upwards, faced with his Dad staring at him in annoyance.

_“Ben, are you even listening?”_

He scoffed at the irony that it was the first full sentence he'd actually managed to take in. His Dad, who refused to truly recognise the difficulties he faced; notes with the words _I’m proud of you,_ nothing more than an empty gesture.

He just nodded, feeling too fragile to point out that, _no, actually, of course_ _he wasn’t._

He ran a hand over his face, wanting the onslaught of his Dad’s rant to just go away.

_“Dad, can you calm down?”_

His Dad ignored him, and he made out something in relation to Sharon and brakes. His head hurt trying to work out what was being referring to. Sharon didn’t drive and he had no idea how that linked in with the pub. He turned slightly, as he saw his Dad’s eyes drift past his shoulder. Feeling a hand on his neck, rubbing gently, he felt relief flood through him. He watched as his Dad's face fell at the sight of Callum, and he left his insides bristle. They were in Callum's flat. Callum wasn’t the unwelcome one here. He just didn’t have the courage to say it.

He knew Callum had said something at his side, surprised that it was possible for his Dad’s face to get any redder. His boyfriend’s hand a constant presence on the back of his neck, and now he wasn’t entirely convinced it was all for his benefit, feeling the grip grow tighter.

Callum passed him the medication he’d left the house to go and collect and Ben groaned, inwardly. His Dad would know something was wrong. His Dad already thought he was weak.

He ignored Callum’s words, instead turning back to his Dad, feeling a need to placate him that he wished he could bring himself to ignore.

_“Mick’s gotta sell, an’ he knows that you’re his only chance, so this… This will all get sorted.”_

Callum said something else to his Dad, and he gave up on the attempt to follow along with whatever conversation the two other two men were having, concern only rising as he watched his Dad leave, without even a glance in his direction. His heart sank, looking up at Callum in worry.

Callum’s hands came to rest against the sides of his face, in the same gesture he'd been doing since their first night together in the park, only this time he winced at the pain that shot through his left ear.

Callum pulled his hands away,

 _“Sorry”_ , signing the word alongside his speech.

Ben huffed out a smile, his thoughts reminding him, as ever, that he wasn't worthy of the man stood in front of him. A man whose support was unwavering and undeserved; knowing he was the one who needed to be apologising, yet not quite knowing where to start, without telling Callum everything he'd promised to keep secret. It was breaking his heart to continuously lie to the man who only ever showed him kindness. He knew that soon; something would have to give.

_“Ben?”_

Callum’s hand on his chest alerting him to the fact he was being spoken to, he tried his hardest to keep his voice at a neutral level.

_“Sorry, miles away.”_

_“Go and lie down.”_

He pointed to the sofa,

_“I’ll get you a drink… take your tablets.”_

Ben nodded, lacking the energy to try and insist he was okay, he moved to sofa, lying down and letting his eyes drift closed.

He was brought back to reality with a slight tap to his side, as Callum placed his drink on the table, sitting down and looking at him, before speaking. It was a testament to how much his boyfriend cared that Ben was able to make out the majority of what he said, always aiming to keep his voice slow and clear; the complete antithesis of his Dad.

_“Listen, we need to talk… Dad… me and you… living… Vic, then he’s got…”_

Ben's face went blank, raising a hand to stop Callum mid-speech; he couldn’t talk about this now.

_“Leave it, alright.”_

He turned away, knowing he was being unfair, but feelings of guilt and regret were weighing heavy on his chest. He fought back the tears that were threatening to spill over.

He felt Callum’s hand on his ankle,

_“You look awful.”_

_“Thanks.”_

Hoping the sarcasm was as clear out loud as it was in his head.

_“… think… go back…”_

Callum must have realised he hadn’t been fully understood, repeating,

_“Bed, Ben.”_

Ben raised his eyebrows.

_“Oh, well, thanks for the offer, but I don’t think I’m quite up to it.”_

He saw the infuriated look on Callum’s face, could only imagine what his tone of voice must be. It was one of the things he missed hearing the most. His boyfriend’s voice. The way his name sounded on Callum’s lips. The noises he made when they were in bed. His laugh. Karma was a bitch.

_“You either rest or no operation.”_

Ben looked away for a second not wanting to acknowledge that he may have blown his chance at being able to hear even the slightest noise ever again, eyes moving back to Callum’s lips.

_“I’m going out… take those meds… yeah? …talk about this.”_

Ben sighed as Callum left, knowing that he wouldn’t forget and it was a conversation he wasn’t looking forward to having. He coughed, chest aching, and he felt a burning sensation in his ear. The world beginning to spin, he grabbed hold of the nearest chair in an attempt to steady himself. The last thing he remembered, before the world went black, was Jay entering through the door that Callum had just left by.


	2. Chapter 2

When he opened his eyes, he was sprawled on the floor of the flat, both Jay and Callum knelt next to him, worry evident on their faces. He had no idea what had happened, or how long he’d been laid there.

_“Ben!”_

He saw the relief in Callum’s eyes and immediately felt the overwhelming sense of guilt he was becoming so accustomed to, wash over him. He closed his eyes again, feeling disorientated.

_“What happened?”_

He forced out, opening his eyes again, fixing his eyes on Callum.

_“You fainted… you an ambulance.”_

_“No!”_

He tried to sit up, as Callum pushed him back down. He knew it came out louder than he intended when Callum looked at him, slight suspicion in his eyes as he reluctantly nodded his agreement.

_“Stay… better.”_

Eyes squinting as he tried to make out what Callum had said from the awkward angle.

_“Stay there a minute.”_

He saw Jay say something to Callum, who nodded. Jay moved away, and Callum’s hand instantly found his.

_“Ben…”_

Callum’s hand stroking his hair, love and concern shining bright in his eyes. Two emotions he never truly saw when he looked at his Dad, a man whose default look had always been a sneer of disgust.

_“I’m sorry.”_

He let out the words on what he hoped was a whisper, as Callum shook his head, not understanding.

_“Let’s get you up. Sit up first.”_

Gripping under Ben’s arms, Callum gently helped him to a sitting position, and the world span. He grimaced, closing his eyes as a wave of nausea overcame him; one of Callum’s hands remaining where it was to support him, the other rubbing soothing circles against his back. He opened his eyes again, looking back to Callum.

_“Ok to stand?”_

Ben nodded. Callum pulled him up, helping him over to the table and sitting him down on a chair, as Jay reappeared with a glass of water in hand. He took it gratefully, quickly realising Jay was talking to him, and he snapped,

_“Look at me! You have to look at me when you’re talking!”_

He felt Callum’s hand find the back of his neck again, lips touching the top of his head as he moved into Ben’s eye line.

_“Ben, it’s okay.”_

Pulling Ben into his chest, feeling Callum’s heart beating, the closest he could get to hearing anything lately, remembering the short-lived joy of feeling the music in Ruby’s club.

_“Sorry.”_

He knew it came out as a mumble, needing the current contact too much to move away. Jay moved so that Ben could see him, bending down in front of him, a look of _something_ in his eyes.

_“This… flu, is it? …hear?”_

He saw Callum’s face mirror the look of confusion on his own, as he moved away from Callum’s chest to look at Jay properly.

_“…hearing… it?”_

Jay was trying, he knew, but he still found it difficult to work out what he was saying, especially in comparison to when Callum spoke to him. Callum’s face had fallen now and he was looking at Ben in horror, remorse evident in his features, as he grabbed Ben’s hand again, sitting in the chair next to him. Ben suddenly felt uneasy, needing to know what Jay had said, looking back at him in continued confusion, willing him to speak clearer. Jay’s hand reached up to tug at his own ear,

_“Your hearing… has got worse… hasn’t it?”_

Ben’s heart sank, instantly understanding the look on Callum’s face now, unsure how to proceed. By admitting Jay was right, he would have to explain how it had happened, admit that he’d been lying to Callum, admit that he’d been the biggest idiot and hope that Callum would forgive him. It hit him with force that he wasn’t convinced he wanted to continue lying for his Dad anymore.

Looking at the two men sat in front of him, both clearly concerned about him, clearly loving him, he realised they, along with Lola and Lexi, and his Mum when she decided to care, were the only family he needed. He just had to hope Callum would still need him, despite everything. Sighing, he eventually forced out the words, looking directly at Jay, avoiding Callum’s eyes but gripping tightly to his hand,

_“I can’t hear a thing.”_

Jay sank to the floor, gripping hold of Ben’s leg, resting his head against his knee, whilst Callum gently took hold of his chin, turning Ben’s head to face him, tears glistening in his eyes.

_“Why didn’t tell you me?”_

And there was the million-dollar question, the one that didn’t have a simple answer. He was saved by Jay tapping against his leg, and he shook his head imperceptibly at Callum, hoping he could read in his eyes a promise that he would tell him the truth, later, when they were alone. He turned to Jay,

_“Hospital. Now.”_

He thought about refusing, as Jay pointed at Callum, before rising and heading towards the door of the flat. He turned to look at Callum,

_“What he said. Hospital. We’ll talk later.”_

Ben nodded, trying to read Callum’s mood but quickly giving up. His face no longer giving away any clues. He let out a resigned sigh, hoping the inevitable conversation wouldn’t be their last but, he noted with relief, Callum’s hand was still firmly linked with his, as they made their way to Jay’s car.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ben hadn’t taken anything in at the hospital, the receptionist asking Callum all the questions the minute he’d said he was deaf, the doctor talking about him, rather than to him. He’d given up even attempting to keep up the second he’d arrived. Callum kept signing _sorry_ at him, knowing the conversation was going too fast, despite the fact he had nothing to apologise for.

Ben sat himself down on the sofa when they arrived back at the flat, staring at the medication bag as Jay passed him a drink.

_“Not much to show for five hours in the hospital.”_

He smirked at Jay and Callum, who had sat themselves either side of him. Jay on the arm of the sofa, Callum on the seat next to him, his hand returning to the back of Ben’s head.

Jay tapped his shoulder, pointing to the bag he still held in his hands.

_“You’ve got ya meds to help with the pain, right?”_

Ben nodded.

_“Your burst eardrum… better… have the operation… call… a win.”_

Jay held a thumbs up in Ben’s direction. He smiled slightly, placing his drink down on the coffee table, something about the way Jay was holding his mouth as he spoke alerting him to the fact he wasn’t talking normally, not quite understanding that it didn’t help him comprehend what was being said.

_“I can tell ya talking weird by the way, even though I can’t hear.”_

He felt Callum nudge his hip against his own, turning towards him,

_“He’s trying, Ben.”_

Ben sighed,

_“I know. I know.”_

Jay prodded his shoulder again and he felt heat rise in his chest, forcing it down. He was tired of the effort it took to have any kind of conversation lately, promising the Lexi in his head that he would ask Frankie to teach him sign language properly, if Callum forgave him and stayed with him. He turned to Jay,

_“… told me about this. Right? We’re brothers.”_

Jay signed the final word, and Ben felt a rush of love.

_“There’s… us… Never.”_

He shook his head, confused, as Jay gestured between the pair of them.

_“There’s no secrets between us, right?”_

Ben nodded, smiling slightly, trying not to think about the one massive lie he was currently keeping from everyone who meant anything to him.

_“You know, I trust you… anyone… know, including Lola. Right? And I want you… the same, ok?”_

Jay held a thumbs up in his direction again, Ben reflecting the gesture back at him.

_“Right then, I’m off. You, take care… you, look after him. Love you, Bro.”_

He signed the final three words and Ben felt his eyes well, and pointing between him and Callum, as he stood, Jay raised a hand in farewell. Callum stood too, following him to the door to see him out, knowing they were discussing him as Callum took far too long to return to the sofa, resuming the exact same position he was in before.

_“Takeaway.”_

Ben nodded, shifting himself a little, so his whole body was facing Callum.

_“I love you; you know that, right? I know it took me forever to say it, and I have a really shit way of showing it sometimes, but I do.”_

Callum pulled him into a hug before sitting back, signing,

_I know. I love you too._

He smiled at Ben softly, kissing him gently, and Ben could feel his heart shudder, terrified this would be the last time, making the kiss last longer, committing the feel to memory.

_“We need to talk, Callum. I need to tell you things I should have told you before.”_

He saw Callum’s face go blank for a split second, unreadable, before the side of his mouth turned up in a slight smile, as he nodded, resigned.

_“Food first… long day. Then, we’ll talk.”_

_“Ok.”_

He whispered, pulling Callum towards him and resting their foreheads together, clinging on, _please, still love me,_ running on repeat in his head.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I finished editing this faster than I thought I would, and if I don't upload it now, I'll end up deleting the whole thing.

Callum stood, picking up their plates and placing them in the sink before turning to look at Ben. Arms leant against the sink behind him, his posture making him look relaxed but the worry line appearing on his forehead and the fear in his eyes giving his true feelings away.

_“How did it happen, Ben? Your ear.”_

He took a deep breath, trying to work out how to put everything into words, needed Callum to listen and not interrupt, but knowing the minute he confessed to being at the warehouse, it was likely hell would break loose.

_“Come and sit down?”_

He gestured to the sofa, watching, hoping, as Callum’s eyes narrowed slightly, before he nodded slightly.

Sitting down next to him, Ben took his hand, staring down at them, thinking how well they fit together, two jigsaw pieces making one complete puzzle, hoping this wouldn’t be the day one of those pieces was lost forever.

_“You ain’t gonna like it, Callum. I… I messed up. It… I… My…”_

He stumbled over the words, and he felt Callum touch his cheek with his free hand, he looked up.

_“Whatever it is, Ben. I’m here.”_

Ben shook his head, sadly. His thoughts screaming at him, louder than ever, _not this time._

_“I wish I could turn back the clock, do things differently, and I would…”_

Making himself look Callum directly in the eye, willing him to believe this one thing, if nothing else, knowing he couldn’t put the inevitable off any longer.

_“I would do things differently, but… It happened at the warehouse, Callum.”_

He saw the second Callum’s thoughts gave way from confusion to realisation, and his face fell, anger, upset, fear, concern, hurt, Ben lost count of the emotions he saw engulf him. All of a sudden, Callum’s whole demeanour changed, like a switch had been flipped. Words were tumbling out of his mouth, not bothering to form them clearly. Ben hated that he was the cause of Callum’s outburst, that once again, he’d pushed his sweet, gentle giant to the brink, frustrated that he couldn’t distinguish what was being said,

_“… lied… think… Lex… head… last… Stu… both Ben… selfish…”_

Feeling the grip on his hand loosen, his heart jolted, almost bursting out of his chest, gripping on tighter, needing Callum to stay, needing Callum to understand. Unable to do anything but beg, tears threatening to make their way down his cheeks, no idea how loud he was speaking, panic making it impossible to judge.

_“Please. Please. Listen. Please.”_

_“I’m fed up, Ben! … naïve and stupid… hate… trust… why, Ben?”_

_“You’re not, please, listen to me. I’m sorry. Please, Babe, Callum, please.”_

_“Why should I?”_

The last sentence let out slowly as Callum finally stopped, sighing, before he finally nodded, face devoid of any emotion now and, in so many ways, that was worse than resentment and rage. Callum ran his free hand through his hair and down his face, looking back to Ben, as he felt the smallest sense of relief run through him that, for now, Callum’s hand remained in his. Callum shook his head, as if answering in his own thoughts,

_“Go on, I’m listening.”_

_“My Dad... He didn’t want me there. I was stubborn, thought I had something to prove. I saw a car follow him and Danny, I knew something wasn’t right, so I followed them. It had all gone wrong, Callum. Danny was trying to set my Dad up. He was… There was… He shot his gun. Next to my ear. The pain…”_

He shook his head.

_“Pain and then silence. I couldn’t hear nothing. My Dad didn’t notice or care. All he was bothered about was the money so he could buy The Vic.”_

He scoffed, not daring to look up, but Callum was still, and that was more than he could hope for right now, letting out softly,

_“I lied to you. Again. I don’t deserve you.”_

Callum touched his shoulder and he raised his head. Callum speaking clearly this time, continuing slowly,

_“Why did you lie to me, Ben? We… said… video.”_

Ben narrowed his eyes, shaking his head,

_“Why lie? We. Don’t. Lie. I said. The video… I’m such an idiot.”_

Callum turned away from him, pulling his hand free this time and Ben let him, wishing he had an answer, any answer, that wasn’t the truth. That he’d made sure the video was taken in the 5 minutes he’d spent back at the Mitchell’s, ensuring he had a back-up, just in case. It only made the self-hatred he already felt worse; he’d used his daughter so that he could lie to the man he loved; he was as bad as the man he was trying to be better than.

_“You’re not an idiot, Callum. Babe, please. My Dad… He made it clear I wasn’t to tell you anything. I shouldn’t have listened to him. It’s been killing me. I… I did see Lexi, the video was taken that night, just… after. I… It was why I got back so late. The job, everything that came before, everything that’s happened since… Sorry ain’t a strong enough word.”_

Callum reached into his pocket, taking out his phone, still refusing to look at him, and Ben’s heart hurt, yet this was an ache tablets from an hospital couldn’t fix. His own phone buzzed,

**Callum: I’m tired, Ben. Tired of competing with a man who doesn’t care. I remember you telling me once that my Dad wasn’t my Dad. He was just a man who got my mum pregnant. Maybe you need to tell yourself that once in a while and start putting the people who care about you, actually care about you, first.**

He read the message heart pounding, remembering the conversation like it was yesterday. A different time in many, many ways; a time when he’d thought he’d finally managed to escape from his Dad’s shadow, and that he had the upper hand. If it wasn’t for Callum, he knew he’d regret ever returning to the square. His time with Lola and Lexi in Newcastle seemed like a lifetime ago.

_“You know I only came back to fleece my Dad, I thought I had the upper hand, for once. I didn’t. He found out, and did what he always does, made me feel stupid, and small, like he was blameless, and do you know what’s worse, every single time I fall for it. Let him pull me back in. Every. Single. Time. I let him ruin my…”_

His final words let out on a shout, and he broke down, tears streaming down his face, struggling to breathe through the thoughts and through the onslaught of both physical and emotional pain. The tablets he’d taken fast wearing off, his ear twinging, reminding him of all the things that had gone wrong.

_“I’m a mess… I’m broken… I’m sorry. Don’t deserve…”_

He felt Callum’s arms arounds him, hugging him into his chest, hands stroking down his back and through his hair, calming him, as he’d done so many times these past weeks. As his tears finally subsided, he pulled away,

_“I don’t deserve this. Don’t deserve you.”_

Callum stopped him; a finger pressed gently against his lips.

Ben could see his mouth moving, but couldn’t make out any words. Eyes stinging from crying, vision beginning to blur.

_“I can’t…”_

Callum typed into his phone, passing it across for Ben to read,

**You have to stop following your Dad at every turn. You gave me the courage, the strength to stand up to my Dad. Let me help you find yours.**

He looked up, not understanding. Callum should be storming out, leaving, not offering to help.

_“Why are you doing this?”_

He took his phone back, holding it out for Ben to follow as he typed.

**Because I love you but we can’t carry on the way we are. We’re going round in circles. I can’t take much more. I love you Ben and I know you love me but you need to start showing it. It’s not fair. I would never ask you to choose between me and your Dad but you need to not for me but for yourself.**

Ben’s heart beating faster with every word he read, his stomach dropped as he knew Callum was right. It was a choice he had to make; acknowledging that Callum was an option it appeared he was extremely lucky to still have.

_“I... It will always be you. I just… I find it so hard, to say no to him, fighting so hard for his approval, all the damn time. I’m spent, I’ve got nothing left. Nothing I do is ever good enough.”_

_I know._

The words signed, before he started to type again,

**But you are good enough Ben. You are perfect just the way you are broken pieces and all...**

Ben felt tears on his cheeks again,

_“Then why don’t I feel good enough, in here.”_

He thumped against his own chest at the final two words, and Callum looked at him, tears glistening in his own eyes.

_“Because of your Dad, because of everything that has happened in your life. But Ben. You. Are. Good. Enough.”_

Ben felt something shift inside him with Callum’s words, still not sure if he fully believed them, but for the first time in a long time, he felt the urge to want to try, wiping at his eyes to try and stop the flow of tears.

Confusion suddenly flooded Callum’s features, and he looked away from Ben into the flat.

_“Callum?”_

_“The door.”_

He gestured towards the entrance. Ben shrugged, not wanting their conversation to be disrupted, needing to finish what they’d started. Both of them red-eyed and blotchy faced from crying.

_“Leave it. It’ll be some drunk.”_

_“Can’t, it’s still going.”_

Ben looked round at the receiver, seeing the red light glaring back at him. Callum sighed,

_“I best…”_

Ben nodded, twisting his body towards Callum, watching his face grow hard. Signing his question,

_Who?_

_Your Dad._


	4. Chapter 4

Ben felt his heart stop. He saw Callum's face. He couldn’t do this now. With them both in front of him, it would become an impossible choice all over again.

His heart wanting Callum; his head ruled by his Dad, forcing him to say and do things he didn’t truly think and feel.

_“Don’t let him in.”_

He whispered the words, knowing it was a lost cause judging by the look on Callum’s face. He glanced back towards Ben, pointing to the receiver he still held towards his ear, saying something to his Dad. Ben thought he made out the words, _we’re busy,_ as Callum held the receiver away from his ear, wincing, and signing with his free hand,

_Angry._

His phone buzzed, looking down at the words.

**Phil: Tell your guard dog to let me in.**

Insides igniting with an anger he wished he had the courage to act on, Ben closed his eyes, attempting to delay the inevitable. He eventually opened them with a nod, and he saw Callum sigh as he pressed the button to allow his Dad access. He placed his hand in a fist over his heart, circling it there,

_Sorry._

Leaning his elbows on his knees, he placed his head in his hands, bracing himself for the impact. He was scared, the realisation unexpected but it explained so much. He was terrified of his Dad. His breath coming out in shudders, he felt the sofa dip as Callum sat back down next to him, taking his hand and covering it with his own. Ben looked at him, surprised but feeling his anxiety lessen a little at the touch.

_“I’ll always be here.”_

Callum looked up, his hand squeezing tighter and then his Dad was in front of him, mouth moving but saying nothing. Eyes squinting, trying to keep up, failing, as always,

_“... pub... kill... other... won... over...”_

_“Dad, I can’t… I don’t…”_

Shaking his head, unable to concentrate, his Dad continuing on regardless, talking over him,

_“… better… smug… think… taking… finish… in…”_

Nothing making sense, grateful at least that the world was completely silent now so he didn’t become overwhelmed with sound.

_“Dad, please, slow down. I can’t…”_

He felt Callum kiss his shoulder, and then he stood, raising himself to full height in front of the shorter man. If he wasn’t so terrified, and if the atmosphere around him wasn’t so tense, it would be comical.

He had no idea what Callum was saying, his back towards him, but he did see the look on his Dad’s face. He reached out to touch Callum’s arm,

_“Callum. Babe, please. It’s fine.”_

Callum turned towards him, face softening, his mouth forced into a tight smile.

_“I was telling your Dad. He needs to leave now.”_

Phil looked at him, incredulity and fury lining his features,

_“Who… is? This… me and you.”_

Callum turned and said something else, Ben shaking his head, as his Dad repeated himself,

_“This. Between me and you. He needs to back off.”_

Callum didn’t say anything else. He looked back at Ben but stayed where he was, a question in his eyes. His Dad speaking again,

_“Well?”_

And Ben finally broke, trying to control his volume but finding it difficult,

_“Callum will always be involved, Dad. He’s my boyfriend, my partner. I’m done with keeping secrets.”_

And with that one sentence, Ben suddenly felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He rose from his position on the sofa to stand next to Callum, placing a hand against his back, needing the touch for strength.

_“Yeah… still a secret…”_

Ben shook his head at his Dad’s reply, refusing to play a part in the games any longer.

_“Callum knows.”_

His Dad’s face changed in an instant, a shadow passing across it as he moved forward, getting closer.

_“What?”_

_“You need to leave.”_

Ben was shaking, he could feel it and he knew Callum could too. Callum, who was looking at him as if he’d just hung the moon, signing a single word that made Ben want to cry all over again.

_Brave._

He didn’t feel brave. He felt weak and useless and undeserving. Too much had happened in the space of a few hours and he didn’t know how much more he could take. The pain in his ear seeming to increase by the second. His Dad still stood there, looking ready to murder whoever got close, speaking too fast and Callum speaking for the both of them again; Ben choosing to ignore his Dad’s words and focus solely on the man who loved him.

_“You heard… you need to go…”_

His Dad stepped forward, and Callum, almost imperceptibly, moved a tiny step to his right, so that he was positioned slightly in front of, rather than to the side of him. Ben just held on tighter, never wanting to let go of this angel in human clothing.

_“… serious? … a cop, Ben.”_

For the first time, he was glad he couldn’t hear. He could only imagine the tone of his Dad’s voice, the sneer, the disgust, and it wasn’t something he missed. Ben pulled on the courage Callum was displaying.

_“I know what he is, and he’s amazing, and he cares, and he’s there for me. When are you just there for me, Dad? When?”_

_“… soft… thought he was good… pathetic…”_

Callum responded before he could, voice clearly raised above natural volume. He felt the words vibrate through the palm of his hand that still rested against Callum’s back, watching as his Dad’s jaw grew tense, breathing becoming heavier, clearly debating what to do next. Ben reminding himself to breathe, and when his Dad finally spoke, it was the first time he was able understand every word clearly since the accident. A finger pointed directly at Ben, making it difficult to breathe,

_“Don’t. Ask me. For anything. Don’t. Look. At me. Don’t. Come. Near me. We. Ain’t family. You hear. You’ve made your bed. Lie in it. Was that clear enough for ya?”_

His Dad turned to Callum, away from Ben. As his Dad walked away, he saw the look on Callum’s face, a look he’d never seen before and he never wanted to see again, something close to hate. He turned so he was facing Ben, eyes directed at his Dad’s retreating figure,

_“Fine.”_

The second his Dad disappeared from view, Ben sank to his knees, unable to hold himself up and Callum sat alongside him, tapping his shoulder,

_“It’s ok, Ben. I’m here.”_

Ben let himself be held for the second time that night, so extremely grateful for this man who had come into his life and turned it upside down. This man who had been there for him, despite everything. Callum pushed gently against his shoulders, keeping his grip but holding Ben slightly away from him,

_“I need… promise. This is it. No more secrets… last chance…”_

_“I promise. I promise. I promise.”_

Words repeated over again through tears, signed against his heart, a cross, as Callum placed a soft kiss against his forehead and pulled him back against his chest. His hands forming soothing circles against his back. A memory flooded Ben, and he let it out on a whisper,

_“I almost shot him for you.”_

Callum’s hands stilled, and Ben felt his heart speed up against his ear. Callum’s hand came up, signing,

_You… what?_

_“You heard.”_

Ben huffed out a laugh.

_“When Keanu… My Dad, he was gonna… If Keanu died, I’d never be able to find you. You… You’re everything. Always.”_

Callum pushed him away slightly again, face soft with wonder,

_“Ben…”_

His hands moved to softly cup Ben’s face, as he touched their lips together. Ben felt like he was drowning, emotion after emotion washing over him in waves, letting himself get lost in the feeling of Callum’s lips against his. A feeling he never thought he’d feel again, a feeling he refused to ever take for granted. He moved his hand behind Callum’s neck, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. He felt the moan leave his mouth and felt Callum gasp as he pulled back, breathing heavily, resting their foreheads together. Callum’s hands formed signs, words he wished he could hear said out loud. He’d given anything to hear them one more time,

_I love you._

_“And I love you.”_

Ben lent forwards, kissing him once more, before it hit him,

_“Wait, Callum, my Dad. What was he saying, I couldn’t… I didn’t…?”_

Callum looked at him, debating, before retrieving his phone and typing,

**He didn’t get The Vic. Mick sold it to Sharon and Ian.**

Ben’s eyes grew wide in shock, the few words he’d managed to decipher earlier, now making a little more sense, unsure what this would now mean, yet at the same time, relieved. He wasn’t convinced he’d have been able to with the guilt of walking into the pub, with the knowledge of how the money to buy had been acquired hanging over him.

Despite everything, Ben found himself laughing. It felt foreign, having this bubble of happiness in his chest, letting it escape for the first time in a long time, yet being unable to hear the sound. He had Callum, he had Jay, Lexi and Lola. He had people surrounding him who loved and cared for him, unconditionally. He didn’t need to live by their expectations. He had nothing to prove. It may take a while for Callum to fully trust him again, but that was ok; they were going to come out of this the other side, stronger, together. His laughter subsiding, he looked up at Callum, who was staring at him,

_“That’s the first… you laugh in weeks.”_

A thought struck him with force, not that long ago he’d have buried it; thoughts like that made him weak. He took a deep breath. It was time to change. It was time to let Callum in, fully and truthfully. He let the words out in a rush, refusing to look Callum in the eye, focussing solely on his lips,

_“I… I want to be happy again, Callum. I’m fed up of feeling like… like this. I need to learn to sign, properly. I need you to help me. I need help.”_

Callum touched Ben’s chin, speaking a single word before they got lost in each other once more,

_“Always.”_

_~ ~ ~ ~ ~_

_Ben loved Callum. He knew it from the way his heart swooped every time they caught each other’s eye, or from the butterflies he felt when Callum smiled softly at him, or the way his skin tingled from the gentlest of his touches._

_Two men on opposing ends of the same axis. Callum versus Phil. His partner versus his Dad. The Angel versus The Devil. Both sat on a shoulder, whispering in his ear, trying to convince him which way to turn._

_He’d finally made the decision to follow the Angel's light. He’d told the truth, he’d been forgiven and his heart had been returned, stronger than before. This Angel had entered his life and was strong enough to withstand Ben’s fire, steadfast and unwavering. The Angel loved him; the Angel made him feel safe. The Devil was left with nothing; the Devil deserved nothing._


End file.
